My Gray Thoughts

A long time has passed since I last published something. I kept writing during this period, but in a more personal way, mostly for myself. And with so much time having passed, some important changes happened in my life.

I was at a point where I kept asking myself what path I should take, even considering the possibility of leaving the legal field altogether. Of course, being in a position where you can even consider such a dramatic change is a great privilege, but the mental intensity that comes with it is exhausting. When you are given the chance to start over from scratch, it is hard not to think about everything you might be able to do with that possibility.

There was also the uncertainty surrounding whether we would be able to stay in America. Questions about whether we could stay in the U.S. or would need to move to another country made the idea of choosing work that could adapt more easily to different places feel increasingly important.

Until that uncertainty became something more definite, I felt like I had to put myself on hold. That was the hardest part. As someone who is never really idle, who is always chasing something, that sense of suspension frightened me.

But during that time, I also remembered that producing, learning, and working are not limited to a career. There had been so many moments when I wished I had more time to read, to watch films, or simply to explore things that interested me. And I did. I read more. I kept up with new films. I researched subjects I had always been curious about and made self-directed learning a more regular part of my life.

Now, many things are clearer. We have decided to stay in America. We want to build a life here. I have dreams for this next chapter that I am excited about. The gray areas that filled my mind during that period of uncertainty have now given way to the process of turning those dreams into reality.

When I talk about these thoughts, I sometimes feel as though I come across as depressed or lost. I will have gray thoughts when I have dreams and goals, while I am working toward them, even after I have achieved them, and in many other situations as well. Rather than moving through life under the illusion that I have figured everything out, I need to allow those gray areas to exist without letting them control me, so that I can keep moving toward what feels right for me. So that I can exist with every new version of myself, on every new day.